Solitude and Mourning

It's been one very long week and I feel like I've lived it in a prison cell. I don't feel like I can talk about what happened to very many people and the ones who I can, I feel like I'm just bringing them down when I do. So I'm letting it all out here. No one really reads this blog anyway.


I don't want sympathy or a big pity party. I do know that it will get better, but in the meantime, I'm just so exhausted, physically, mentally, and emotionally. 
I can only hear "I am sorry" so many times before it stops meaning anything. I know I didn't do anything to cause this and there was nothing that I could have done differently to prevent it, but I still feel like I've failed. 


I've read dozens of blogs and articles that tell me that what I'm going thru is perfectly normal, but that's hardly a consolation. Two of the only three people in the world that I want to be near right now are 200 miles away and the other is just ten years old and I really don't think it's right to burden him with my sorrows. 


I spend my days crying in hopes that by the time my little guy gets home from school, I've cried it all out for the day and he won't see me upset. 


I can't talk to my partner. He says he's worried about me and that if I need anything, to just ask. But there is nothing anyone else can do to make this pain go away. I know he is probably grieving in his own way, but I really do feel like I'm in this all alone and I hate that feeling. 


I don't know what else to do but to put my fears and emotions into words. 
Friends keep telling me that I already have two awesome kids who love me very much and as true as that is, it really doesn't keep me from thinking "yeah, and I could have had THREE amazing kids" if this hadn't happened. Is that selfish of me? It's as if my body broke a promise to me. Does that make any sense at all?


My boys don't know what to say to comfort me and bless their sweet hearts, they do try. I know they were looking forward to a new baby as much as I was. It took me awhile to get over the shock, but I really was finally happy about being pregnant. 


As it turns out, even when I took the pregnancy test, the baby had already stopped growing. I feel like an idiot for not finding a way to get to a doctor BEFORE I said anything to anyone and before I got my hopes up. Perhaps if I had, I wouldn't have gotten my heart prepared for a new baby. 


I keep telling myself that I could try again. But I don't think I could go thru this miscarriage hell again. I know it's not a sure thing that I would, but it's not a sure thing that I wouldn't. And I wasn't really prepared or planning on this pregnancy in the first place. Deep down, I have to wonder if my uncertainty was the root of the loss. Or maybe I just didn't cut down on smoking fast enough. Maybe it's my weight or my age. But since I can't be certain of the factors that caused this, how do I know if I'd be setting myself up for more heartbreak if I DID try again. If someone could say "THIS is what went wrong" and I could do something about the "THIS" perhaps I could muster up the courage to face considering another attempt. 


Then again, perhaps it was all the emotional stress I was put under. My paternal grandmother basically condemned my soul for not having given my children a "legitimate" name. She doesn't even KNOW me and yet somehow, she feels she has a right to judge my life. In my entire life, I've spent a total of less than two weeks in her presence. She blames my mother for not letting her be part of my life, but I've legally been an adult for more than 20 years now and where was she during THOSE years? Emails flew back and fourth for several days before I finally told her that I refused to put up with her verbal abuse and unless she apologized, I would never speak to her again. She did apologize, but stated she hadn't any idea what she was apologizing for. I do not consider that to be valid. 


Almost a year ago, my maternal grandmother passed away. I think back on the days when I told her about the anticipated arrivals of each of my two boys and how she gave me her typical "WHAT?" in that voice that only Grandma could do. But she NEVER judged me. She loved me regardless of whatever choices I made in life even if she didn't approve of them. She kept it to herself. And this was a woman who never failed to let you know what she thought of something. She and I had our differences over the years, but never once did she reject me or condemn me. I miss her. 


I miss my mom terribly too. She's still alive, but I wonder how long she will keep going. Her health is terrible most days and I sometimes think she only keeps going because she knows how utterly devastated I would (will) be when she dies. She's my best friend in the world. I'd give anything at the moment to be able to just curl up next to her and cry. 


I don't WANT to be sad. I don't want to spend my days crying and my nights just trying to sleep. This can't last forever. I know it can't. I've had hardships and sorrows many times in the past and honestly, have probably forgotten most of them. But I live in the here and now and right now, the here and now BLOWS!