Conversation with my friend, Maile…
me: Sooo…Nathan Fillion is making me doubt my own existence.
Maile: Um…what?
me: I’ve been asking him for a picture of himself holding twine for almost a year now, and he refuses to acknowledge me or the thousands of other people asking for twine pictures.
Maile: Why exactly are thousands of people asking him for twine pictures?
me: It’s sort of a long story. A year ago I asked everyone on the internet to send me 11 cents so I could buy a taxidermied pig dressed as Scarlett O’Hara, but then the pig deal fell through and so I decided to offer the $402 I raised to Nathan Fillion if he’d send me a picture of himself holding twine.
Maile: Yeah. This is really just raising more questions than it’s answering.
me: Right. Well, I already had my Wil-Wheaton-Collating-Paper page which Wil lovingly donated so that he could help me rid the internet of the scourge of unsolicited blog pitches…
Maile: I love that page.
me: EVERYONE loves that page. That page is why Wil Wheaton will be welcomed into heaven even if he starts murdering baby kittens for fun. And I thought it would be nice to have a Nathan Fillion-Holding-Twine picture as a bookend page to deter PR people who continue to send you the same pitch every 12 hours even though you keep asking them to remove you from their lists.
Maile: Got it. So you were doing this for America?
me: I WAS DOING THIS FOR THE WORLD. Then 6 months ago I went to his hometown and tried to extend an olive branch but then he ditched me at the pizza place we were supposed to meet at.
Maile: He actually said he’d meet you?
me: I tweeted him that he should say nothing if he was planning on coming. He said nothing. I thought it was implied. Then I may have posted some artfully nude pictures of him (superimposed with twine) but they were all very flattering. And then I accidentally started a rumor that Little Wayne died, but I cleared that right up because I’m responsible. Unlike Nathan Fillion, who can’t be bothered to show up where he’s implicitly promised to eat pizza with me.
Maile: Wow. I don’t…even know how to respond to that. Sounds like ol’ Nater-Tater is afraid of commitment.
me: Exactly. Plus? That’s the best nickname in the world. I’m stealing that.
Maile: It belongs to the world.
me: JUST LIKE THE NON-EXISTENT PICTURE OF NATER-TATER HOLDING TWINE. So anyway, last week I got sad that Nater-Tater was still refusing to acknowledge my existence so I asked Simon Pegg for a picture of him holding twine.
Maile: Who?
me: I will cut you.
Maile: I’m not good with names.
me: He’s the star of Shaun of the Dead.
Maile: OH! I LOVE HIM.
me: We all love him. He’s Simon Pegg. But I needed to get his attention so I asked everyone to tweet “simonpeggholdingtwine” and it became a twitter trend WORLDWIDE for like eight and a half minutes.
True story, y'all.
Maile: That’s awesome. And…bizarre.
me: It gets weirder, because then SIMON PEGG TOTALLY SENT ME A PICTURE OF HIMSELF HOLDING TWINE. Except that all you could see was his hand holding twine and it wasn’t really proper twine, but still…the man tried. And then the internet rejoiced and Simon was named a God amongst men, but I still wondered why Nathan wouldn’t respond. And then this weekend I just gave up and said “@NathanFillion, should I just give up on my dream of you ever holding twine? Let a girl down gently.” And he said he was very sorry for disappointing his #1 super-fan.
Maile: Really?
me: No, of course not. He completely ignored me again. I mean, how hard is it to say “I’m allergic to twine,” or “I appreciate ignoring your pain.”
Maile: Maybe he’s just playing hard to get. Or maybe he just uses his twitter pictures for important things.
me: Yeah. Like when he put up that series of pictures showing how his rash was spreading. And once? He posted a picture of a fake dead cat with ketchup all over it.
Maile: You’re joking.
me: I’M NOT JOKING. THAT’S THE SAD, TERRIBLE TRUTH OF NATHAN FILLION. Then a few weeks ago one of my readers met him and asked why he wouldn’t do it and he said “Oh, I don’t do stuff like that.” And by “stuff like that” I assume he means “Anything awesome that makes people smile“. Which makes me sad for Nater-Tater. And sad for the world.
Maile: So what happened to the money you were going to spend on Nathan Fillion?
me: I used part of it to take a 50 year old cuban alligator dressed as a pirate on a plane ride. And the rest went to helping orphans.
Maile: Hmm.
me: Orphan cats really. But still.
Maile: You know, maybe this is less about Nater-Tater’s inability to hold twine and more about his super-human ability to ignore people.
me: Like that’s his super power? You know, that would actually make sense because HE’S SO GOOD AT IT. I mean, the man is dedicated. I’ll give him that.
Maile: Ignoring you is his super-power. And twine is his kryptonite. And I think we just solved Nathan Fillion.
me: Yes, but understanding Nater-Tater doesn’t get me a twine picture to use to battle evil form letters. Unless…
Maile: Yes. I like where this is heading.
me: What if I just recognize the fact that Nathan Fillion has a damn passion for ignoring people and – instead of using a picture of him holding twine to ward off marketers – I USE NATER-TATER HIMSELF. From now on, whenever I get a particularly harassing marketer who won’t take me off the list I’ll just tell them that they need to check with Nater-Tater because he approves all of my reviews. Then I get rid of the marketers and he gets to ignore me, plus TONS of new people. EVERYBODY WINS.
Maile: Oh. My. God. He is going to love you.
me: Not just me. EVERYONE. Got a telemarketer that won’t leave you alone? Tell them to call Nathan Fillion. Creepy neighbor won’t stop asking you to look at his suspicious back moles? Tell him he needs to ask Nathan Fillion first. Bill collector won’t stop calling? Tell them that Nater-Tater handles all of your finances. THIS COULD CHANGE LIVES.
Maile: Or really annoy Nathan Fillion.
me: Who, Nater-Tater? No way. If anything he’ll probably want to thank me.
Maile: With a picture of twine.
me: That man owes me.
PS. A special note to Nathan Fillion: As always, I adore you. It’s almost like you planned this on purpose. In fact, I suspect you did and that’s why I would like to thank you, Nater-Tater, for being the kind of man who forces me think so much larger than a simple twine shot. One tiny twine picture might have brought light and laughter to thousands of people for a few days, but this could bring me joy FOR YEARS.
PPS. Here is the fabulous picture of Simon Pegg holding twine, because I think it’s selfish to not share this with the rest of the world:
The man is a damn saint.
PPPS. Phrases now a permanent part of the bloggess lexicon:
Pulling a Nathan Fillion: Someone who refuses to play along with – or even acknowledge – your twine-based games. May cause you to doubt your own existence.
Being a Wil Wheaton: Like being an Eagle Scout of awesome. Surfing the cusp of weirdness in search of maidens to rescue. Except that I think “maidens” implies “virgins”. So change “maidens” to “unseemly wenches with hearts of gold”.
Throwing a Simon Pegg: Being an excellent sport even when completely baffled, because there’s simply no reason not to do something random and silly to bring joy into the lives of others.
Becoming a bloggess: Tenaciously taking a joke way too far for the sake of sheer ridiculousness. Might be considered dangerous. Approach with caution and a booze slushee.
UPDATED, day 2: I have given up on Nathan Fillion ever giving us a picture holding twine, but something happened a few minutes ago which gave me both hope and closure on this whole tumultuous year of vaguely pathetic begging…
Penn Jillette just sent us a picture of himself holding twine to help heal our pain. Unsolicited. With nothing asked for in return. Just a picture of himself holding (PROBABLY MAGICAL) twine simply to brighten our day with furious joy.
He makes it look so easy, doesn't he?
We all owe Penn Jillette a drink. Just lemonade though because the man never drinks booze. Conclusion: Penn Jillette is better than tacos and is saving us all money. Follow that man.
UPDATE #3: Is this the longest, most convoluted post ever? Probably. But it’s worth it because we’re almost done forever. So in the latest turn, the always awesome Simon Pegg has asked that we leave Nathan Fillion alone because it’s starting to get a bit insane even for us. I agree and I have apologized to Nater-Tater for bothering him and I have assured him that I will never ask him for twiney pictures again. Unless I’m really, really drunk. But then I felt a bit dejected and so I told everyone that instead we should really just concentrate on more important things, like helping homeless kids. And getting Jeri Ryan to hold a spatula. Then I immediately said I was just kidding about Jeri because I was really sort of ready for this to all be over and I didn’t have the strength to go into another year of asking one of my internet heroes for a picture of them doing something random for the sake of pure silliness.
And then something magical happened…
Jeri L. Ryan ~ Practically a gooddess.
And she wasn’t alone. Hundreds of people started sharing pictures of themselves standing randomly with their spatulas, and in a matter of minutes I was flooded such awesomeness I may have gotten a little teary. Also, Wil showed up again (with murderous spatula), proving that awesomeness is not just a fluke. (Also, almost $500 was raised for overnight bags for homeless kids in under an hour because you’re all amazing.) And then the spell was broken and my appetite for random pictures was sated, and Neil Patrick Harris probably drew a great sigh of relief because I bet he knew in his heart that he would have been next.
This is the point where I would say something witty to wrap this whole thing up but I don’t feel witty. I feel grateful. Thank you to every single one of you, for listening, for not taking me seriously, for taking me just seriously enough, and for coming along on this ridiculous, furiously happy voyage with me.
Seriously. Thank you.
